Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
