the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How does it feel to date your dad?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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