Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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