Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
