You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
