You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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