next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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