Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
