Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
