my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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