This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
