I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
