i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
