I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
