How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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