I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
