im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
