my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
