True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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