I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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