I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
