I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
