I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
