when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
