Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
