we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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