So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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