We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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