Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i drank out of a bidet.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
