i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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