uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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