I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
