Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
