I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
