The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
