At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
