I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
