im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
