The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
