It was confusing and full of hummus
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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