I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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