I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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