Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
