last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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