i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
