well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you win again, gameday.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
