imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
