I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
