Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
