Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
