if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
