Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
